The past few months have been a blur and not such a good one. I've been struggling to deal with a lot of loss in my life and some days I don't know if I'm winning or loosing. Last Fall I lost my best friend, something I caused inadvertantly to happen. I learned a huge lesson about trust and keeping my mouth shut, it still leaves a huge hole in my heart and life. Early 2008, learned of the horrific death of my nephew. It should not have happened, his life should have been better and happier and he shouldn't have seen such sadness and abandonment. I've been looking at pictures of him through the years and it strikes me that he is always looking directly at you, his eyes are warm but piercing and he is a beautiful (and handsome) man. Next comes news of cancer, not just any cancer, but lung cancer, stage 4 to my longtime girlfriend and work colleague. She is too young, has too much to live for and like me never got the opportunity to be a mom, it SUCKS! She has been fighting like a champion and it is good to see that she is leading the charge for more education and more funding to fight this creepy disease, but its still not fair and it just doesn't seem possible. Around the same time, I learn I have been laid off from my job of 17 years. It is a blessing really and something I had been waiting for, but the shock, the finality and loss of my network has been hard. So many people that you thought you'd be friends with for ever, never even call. It's like you don't exist and that feels a lot like you never mattered... it makes you doubt friendships and motivations and really your own self esteem. It has been a struggle to get up and make myself just function on most days. I feel a little like I'm lost in a fog, with no real focus, but I guess there is always tomorrow. Did I mention that I belong to the most dysfunctional family I know of? Holy Cow I wouldn't even know where to start on that piece of it. I really miss my family as it used to be, can't really stand it as it is. Most days I just want to fade away which would be really easy because no one seems to give a rip anyway. Some of it is because there is so much going on in each of the families and I realize that my brothers and sisters need to turn their attention to their kids, which is where not having a family of my own starts to really hurt. I realize how alone in this deal I really am. Speaking of families, my brothers wife was diagnosed with breast cancer which is just devastating to him. I don't know if there is anyone I love more than my brother and it is so hard to see him going through this, especially because of the family dynamics and not being able to be as close to him as I would like to be. And lastly, 2 weeks ago my niece lost her life in a swimming accident. She and my nephew are brother and sister, both only separated by a few months and both barely 36 years old. She is the mother of 2 children and as beautiful as she can be It is so hard to understand, there is so much pain for what happened to them in their early years and how it must have impacted them through their lives and maybe even drove them down the paths that prematurely took 2 incredibly beautiful people from this world. I look at pictures of them, search for any small scraps of their lifes to hang onto, pray, cry and ask myself a million questions that I will never find answers too. I swing wildly between feelings of guilt, pain, sorrow, peace and hope before the anger hits me like a locomotive. And then at the end of the day, my heart is broken, so sad for what could have been, so sad for those left behind, so grateful for the parents that raised them, sacrificed for them and loved them. A&S I will love you always.....